Identity is a word that is used in many ways. For me personally, it’s probably used in a selfish way. For me personally, when no one is looking, I use it to describe that feeling when listening to songs, or reading books that make something inside you go “wait!! this is me!! this is me!! I am finally recognized!!”

This probably isn’t identity, and the daily life I do, the people I talk to, and the actions I make are a more objective appraisal of who I am, but all that for better or worse is almost done on auto-pilot, and while I hope that buddy is a good honest person, there can almost be a feeling of disconnect from them. It almost sounds like a sickness to say it, but sometimes it feels like when you’re getting lost and tripped up in your own head is when you have found yourself.

And so now I am listening to Fallow by the Weakerthans. I think it was released in 1997, but that doesn’t matter to this story, what matters is when I first heard it, which was probably 2003. I was in community college, and I had good friends with whom I felt close to, but not too close. I had good friends who I was very close to, but at that age of 19 (yes, let’s blame it on age), it’s easy to mistake viewing your mind as your genius, and not seeing others as their normalcy. Silly youth.

Anyways, I loved my friends, and I was as comfortable as I have ever be-… as I type this I realize that this is not true. Anyways, they were good friends. We were young. I hadn’t fully understood myself and who I was. Up until that point, they were the best friends that I had ever had, and it was the most comfortable that I had ever felt with people.

But still, my real self was hiding in songs and books and the feelings I felt when I heard them.

“somewhere love and justice shine, cynicism falls asleep, tyranny talks to itself, sappy slogans all come true, and we forget to feed our fear” – Confessions of a Futon Revolutionist

It is always so easy to hide feelings in songs and books, because they are in plain sight, and in a way you are showing yourself to the world, but you are also confident that the world won’t get it, or care enough to look, so you can be left alone at the same time.

“if you ask how I got so bitter, I’ll ask how you got so vain.” – None of the Above

The above lyric I wanted to relate to in perhaps a sick way. I was bitter I think. And I think I even had vain (female) friends. But we were never sitting in a coffee shop (I usually say cafe, but this works better) looking across from one another, having nothing to say, but her being tired of my bitterness, me being tired of her vanity, and neither of us wanting to address our own vices… or something like that. Putting that in words makes it not sounds right. It’s not about that. Forget I wrote that.

“and say that we’ll stay one more year…” – Fallow

This song isn’t about being an English teacher in Japan, contemplating renewing your contract for another year, but when I got to Japan in 2005, and first contemplated not going home in 2006, to cycle across Canada, save the world with this woman (girl in my head, but I said woman) who I met in Medical Anthropology and all that, I decided to stay for one more year. Well, actually six more months. I was dating my ex-wife at the time. After those six months I got a new job. In Japan.

“maybe we’ll never go insane? you always said we would, sometimes I wished we could” – The Last Last One

This is another example that was only be described as me imagining dating myself, or some imaginary person who thinks like me. No one has ever said to me we would go insane. It’s something I would say in a short story I would write where I am the main character. I still think about this line a lot. There’s a Cat and Girl comic that related to this. The link is below. I think about it a lot too.

https://catandgirl.com/cat-and-girl-feign-interest/

Anyways.

“half-listening, interpreting the air” – Greatest Hits Collection

Is it deep? Is it nothing. Did I want it to be deep? I thought it was deep. I think there’s a word for female characters in movies in the 00’s that are basically foils to quirky introverted men, and to me I liked this line because it fell into that category.

A woman once dated me because I reminded her of the movie Garden State. I haven’t seen Garden State. She made it as a compliment, but I have it on high authority that it actually is not.

“we emerged from youth all wide-eyed like the rest, shedding skin faster than skin can grow” -Sounds Familar

I thought I related to it, but did I?

I thought I was talking about identity, but I forgot about that.

Oh well.

“I’ll drown the urge for permanence and certainty, crouch down and write my name with yours in wet cement.”

“So why were you so anchorless?“