(Note: I haven’t read anything anyone has said about this movie.)

Murder-mysteries are probably my favorite genre of TV. Poirot is the show I rewatch more out of any other show, usually just the Mystery of the Blue Train or Cards on the Table these days, because they are so incredibly comfortable to watch. Endeavour is probably my favourite TV show, with its amazing balance of beauty, the actual mystery, and disdain for corruption. I also like the hokey Father Brown, as it makes me feel good inside.

When I was recommended the first Knives Out, I assumed it would be shit, but perhaps have some good parts and be good enough to watch. It surprised me as an amazing murder-mystery. The characters were fleshed out well, the story was coherent, it kept you guessing as to whodunnit, and it had good commentary that didn’t hit you over the head with it so even the grandma in the back could understand. My favorite commentary was that I thought it took a massive shit on white liberals and called them basically the friendly face of fascism. Loved it. I thought it was incredibly subtle for an American film, which I loved even more. Best to hide controversial thoughts in plain sight where certain folks can’t see them.

So anyways, I was super excited for Glass Onion, and wanted watching it to be a special thing, not just another thing I watch at night to tide me over until bed and the cycle starts again. I wanted to watch it with my wife so we could ooh and ahh together, and have witty banter as to whodunnit. I wanted to enjoy the amazing acting and fashion of Daniel Craig and dream of being as cool as him.

The film succeeded on that last point, but that’s about it. Loved Daniel Craig’s fashion. That thing he wore in the pool? Great! Loved it. I want muscles like his. Sexy dude.

But as a murder-mystery, it seemed to try to transcend the genre when in actuality it regressed into a shitty murder-mystery. First and foremost, we’re never really guessing whodunnit. There’s too much action going on with lights going out, and panic and etc. There’s no calm interviews to flesh out characters and their motives. There is instead one-dimensional blobs and we are shown that they all have motive, in a way that Murder in Paradise does better.

The characters weren’t only one dimensional, but even that one dimension was God-awfully boring. This seemed to be on purpose, as if it was recognizing the “trope”, casting light on it, and then trying to go above and beyond it, which to me doesn’t work at all. In order to transcend a trope, you have to do it perfectly and effortlessly so you hardly even notice it, and then work your spinning magic. I craved something more about any of these characters, and the only time you get it really was a single sentence by this muscle dude’s girlfriend.

It seemed way too focused on whatever allegory it was trying to tell, and therefore focused less on anything else. And honestly, I am not even sure what allegory it was trying to tell. This may be me being stupid and not getting it, but what it hit me over the head with was a Musk-like character, who just stole the ideas of others, and the solution to dealing with him being fuck shit up with his property. It can’t be this simple, right? If it’s a call to revolution by the destruction of property, I hope it would appreciate the nuance between nihilism and revolution? Maybe? If it is all a commentary on Musk, do we really need to feed that shithead more attention? Is he really that important that we can’t just ignore him into oblivion? I guess it feels like I don’t get the commentary, and the film isn’t supposed to work without it, as we’re just left with a poorly done murder-mystery.

However, as I started out with, Daniel Craig was amazing as usual, and had great fashion sense.

The other good thing about the film that I have neglected to mention is the character Andi. Of the characters, hers is the most well done. The movie is so unfair to her though, because it seems she has to carry the entire weight of the story that Daniel Craig is observing. The plot twist regarding her character was great, and it wasn’t expected, but it’s timing nearish to the middle, and the length of the explanation of the plot twist, and it being the only real plot twist just highlighted the disappointment for the rest of the movie more. Furthermore, the plot twist kind of made her an observer/protagonist, taking the only interesting character out of the scene.

Anyways, I wasn’t a fan. I’ll probably watch some Poirot to feel good again.